Never The Answer
by iSparks
Summary: After a mission ends badly for herself and her master, Ahsoka is worried to find Anakin drowning his sorrows at a run down old social club when everything seems to go terribly wrong and their friendship is pushed to its limits. One-shot. Rated T for sensitive subjects and scenes of violence.


**Warning: This story contains references to some sensitive themes and scenes of violence so reader discretion is advised.**

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**Never The Answer**

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_Dear diary._

_It's been a while since I last wrote here and to be honest, I wish I didn't have to right now. The last mission was a disaster and Anakin was already in a dark place before we got back and had to face the Council with his, OUR, bad news. _

_After that he went downhill almost instantly and we both know what happens when he hits that dark place, it's never fun, but like an idiot I followed him, to make sure he was going to be okay or at least to see to it that he stayed out of trouble and got home safe and sound._

_Maybe I should start from the beginning, it all kicked off when we landed back at the temple and were asked to report to the Council immediately…_

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"Reckless you where, to sacrifice your clones to achieve an impossible objective" Yoda spoke with a tone of displeasure as he stared intently at Anakin Skywalker and his Padawan, Ahsoka Tano.

"I assumed it would work! We had it all under control up until the droids broke formation and ushered their tanks through, I had to think fast and I put Ahsoka's and my own safety ahead of the clones and don't tell me you wouldn't do the same in my position" Anakin shouted, his voice filled with the anger and annoyance not fitting of a Jedi Knight in his current position.

Ahsoka took a step forward, she needed to intervene before Anakin said anything that would land him in trouble and what boded ill for him always boded ill for her too, "Masters, we tried our best to save as many of our troops as possible, but in the end we were too late…" she said with a frown and deep down hoping that she would be able to convince the Council to let them off.

"Do not forget, Padawan Tano, that this is not the first time either of you has stood before us after making such rash decisions and loosing so many lives on the field of battle, you do and must remember your own failings on Felucia" Master Windu chimed in with a tone of displeasure that would have sounded for all the world like the voice of someone who didn't want to be there, though his stern and ever hardening features told her otherwise.

"But master, that's not a fair comparison, I was young then and naïve, this is a totally different situation and…" she paused, realising she sounded a little more forward than she should have.

"Enough" Windu called, "You will both serve a short period of time here at the temple and help whenever you are asked or told to by the Council and this will continue until we decide you are both ready to resume active service, now, you are both dismissed"

That was all it took, now Anakin was fuming, his darkening eyes and clenching fists told Ahsoka enough to make her want to grab his arm and drag him out before he said something he would regret, "You have got to be kidding me!" too late.

"We have done nothing wrong! It was an accident and you all know it! There is no real reason for you to do this to me or Ahsoka, you have no right…" she'd heard enough and so too had the gathered masters.

"Master! Just… let's go…" she spoke silently as she tugged lightly at his arm but only received an angry glance in response.

"Listen to your Padawan, Anakin" Obi-Wan added, "Accept your punishment and return to your quarters, there is no need for this childish display of anger"

Anakin growled, he knew then that he was fighting a losing battle, it always was that way whenever Obi-Wan added his opinion to something, "Come on, Ahsoka" he said though gritted teeth before turning towards the Council Chambers doors and exiting the large room.

"Forgive us, masters, I'll try and calm him down… I'm sorry" Ahsoka said with a quick bow as she turned to follow though she could swear she heard Master Ki-Adi-Mundi say something along the lines of "See that you do, child" as the doors shut behind her and that wasn't really anything that would make her confidence grow any more as she raced after a very angry Anakin.

For the first few corridors she couldn't see him, but eventually she found him again exiting their shared quarters as she was just about to enter and wearing his long cloak with the hood pulled over his head, "Master? Where are you going?" she asked with a worried tone to her voice as she noticed him clenching his hand around of small stack of golden credits.

"I'm going out, don't know when I'll be back, don't wait up for me…" he responded quickly as she shoved his way passed her and made his way to the Temple's nearest exit.

Of course she knew exactly where he was going. "_The Rusty Clanker_ "was Anakin's favourite spot whenever he was in such a foul mood and he never quite made it home without leaving a trail of madness and destruction in his wake, leaving his always reliable Padawan to clean up his mess very early the morning after and never once even thanking her for doing so.

"I'm coming too!" Ahsoka called after him as she quickly made a run for his side. Tonight would be different, she had a bad feeling that Anakin may not make it home at all if he allowed his anger to mix with the alcohol he craved and that was something she simply couldn't allow, not when the Council were already probably looking for another mistake to punish both of them even further for, no, she couldn't allow that to happen, not again.

"Suit yourself…" Anakin replied with a disgruntled sigh, "Just don't get in my way, Snips" he almost spat her nickname rather than say it with the usual kindness she had come to expect but again she didn't let it linger on her mind for too long.

About twenty minutes later they both arrived at The Rusty Clanker, a hive of scum and a den of debauchery the likes of which almost turned Ahsoka's stomach as she walked behind her master through the old, rust encrusted doors and into the main lounge.

The whole place stank, to her left Ahsoka could see some poor female Twi'lek dancer being harassed by an off duty senate guard and to her right there was a series of semi closed curtains that barely shut off rooms that housed goings on the like of which she didn't even want to have to explain nor think about and in front of her, the bar was swarming with angry or pitifully sad drunks that clung to their glasses and either growled or sobbed into the metal counter top that may have at one time been a shade of dark blue but was now quickly rusting over after years of soaking up spilled alcohol or sorrowful tears.

Anakin took his seat first, away from the crowd of drunks to his right at the far end of the bar where they would be secluded, though Ahsoka wondered if that was for her sake or if he just wanted to be alone to drink away his sorrows, "Corellian whiskey and keep it flowing" he demanded as the bartender, an old Durosian with an oversized eye patch obscuring the left side of his face.

"And for the young lady?" the bartender asked with a flick of his tongue that made Ahsoka feel a little more than uneasy.

"Water… please…" she responded, receiving a nod in return as well as a look of slight disappointment and the sense that the Duros' reason for feeling that way was due to the fact she wouldn't be consuming any alcohol herself, though his reasons were probably too horrible to even imagine.

"What's wrong Ahsoka, afraid to get your tongue wet?" Anakin asked with a sarcastic tone as he gobbled up a small handful of nuts from a bowl to his right that didn't look in any way shape or form a healthy dish to eat from.

She frowned, "I'm underage master, besides, I need to make sure you make it home safe and sound …as usual" she replied with a slight forced small grin with the hope that cracking a little joke would maybe lighten his mood but instead seemed only to make him breath out angrily as the Duros returned with two glasses.

"There you go, shall I put both on your tab?" he asked, looking at Anakin like he knew him well enough to be so forward, but in truth, he probably did.

Anakin nodded, "Whatever…" he replied, taking a quick swig of his whiskey before half slamming the glass back on the table and turning his gaze to the floor.

Ahsoka didn't say anything, she didn't want to upset him by attempting to talk, he never liked that in this state, so she just sat quietly and sipped at her water, which was surprisingly refreshing and clean despite the rest of the bar's condition.

About an hour passed them by and Anakin had already gone through ten whole glasses of the foul drink without looking like he was about to stop. He began muttering to himself too and more than once she had picked up on some stray sentences about her, questions like "Why is she even here" and angry statements like "I never wanted a stupid Padawan in the first place".

It hurt a little, but Ahsoka let the words slide as she tried to believe he didn't mean them and that this was just a side effect of the whiskey mixing with her master's blind rage to form a cocktail of hate for anything that could draw breath.

Another hour passed and Anakin still showed no sign of stopping, he was already more or less twenty three glasses into his night of self-loathing but it was long before that that Ahsoka had become more than a little worried he may overdo it.

"Master, don't you think you've had enough? It's late; you must be as tired as I am? Maybe we should head back?" she asked in a clam voice as she moved her hand to his shoulder, big mistake.

With a growl filled with rage, Anakin lifted his left hand and planted it hard against Ahsoka's right cheek, sending her flying off her barstool and onto the filthy, stained floor beneath with a harsh thud as he tried to make it to his wobbly feet while using the bar for support.

"I'll tell you when I've had enough!" he shouted, pointing his gloved mechanical finger at her and grabbing his glass to take another long pull of the whiskey within, "Go home! Get out of my sight!"

Ahsoka could feel tears welling up in her now bloodshot blue eyes, her cheek was stinging and throbbing harshly from the blow, though she was in too much shock to really feel the full extent of the pain he had inflicted on her.

She tried to make it to her feet, but struggled when a sudden wave of dizziness washed over her and made her fall back to the ground in a heap as the tears finally started to flow from her eyes. She could hear the cruel laughs of the other drunks and feel their peering eyes as they pointed and sniggered at her while she sniffed and tried to hold back her sobs.

It was a moment that had broken Ahsoka's heart as well as the already fragile hold on she had on her emotions, she would never have thought that Anakin would strike her, he was like a brother to her and a best friend and yet he had sunk this low and was now not even looking at her as she lifted her gaze to him and held her stinging cheek with her left hand only to find him once again sitting on his stool and downing yet another glass of the horrible golden liquid.

Right then she thought she could see a single tear roll down Anakin's cheek as his features turned into those of a broken and emotionally drained man. He didn't mean it, did he? No, he couldn't have, he would never hit her, he cared for her too much to even think about it, but he had done it and now she had to face that fact… alone.

Ahsoka finally made it to her feet but didn't wait for anything else to happen before turning on her heels and running as fast as she could out of and away from that horrible place which now stood as a symbol of everything she feared.

She ran, faster than she ever had before, faster than she would have even if a horde of rolling destroyer droids were chasing her down, and though her legs were already hurting from her fall, she continued to run without stopping until she finally reached the quarters she shared with her master and the small bedroom within where she planted her stinging cheek on her soft white pillow and closed her eyes in the hope that this had all been a very, very bad dream and that she would wake up in the morning to find Anakin smiling as he greeted her, though deep down, she knew that would never happen again.

That night, Ahsoka's dreams were filled with only visions of the moment Anakin had hit her. She could feel every blow as if it were happening over and over again with each hit only adding to her pain and tearing her broken heart to pieces while the sound of harsh and unmerciful laughter filled her aching montrals.

Outside her room he could hear her cries, cries for help, cries for him to stop and that she was sorry, but in truth it was him that should be sorry. Anakin was a mess as he stumbled against his sleeping Padawan's door. He regretted what he had done instantly, but decided against his better judgment to stay at the bar and continue to drink until the feeling of empty pain left the pit that had formed in his stomach.

He was afraid of what would happen in the morning, he could stand to think about having to face Ahsoka after what he had done to her but he knew he had to. He cared for her like she was the little sister he never had, she meant the world to him and he knew that without her he wouldn't be able to go on as a Jedi, though he wouldn't be able to anyway if she told her story to the Council.

Now he was angry again, the mere thought of Ahsoka betraying him brought his dark side back out as he punched the wall in front of him and held back an angry scream.

He wanted to run away but Padme would never have him in this state, she hated it when he drank and told him if she ever seen him in such a state as he was in now again that she would not speak to him again until he cleaned up his act for both his sake as well as her own.

Then another thought entered his head, what if she found out that he had hit Ahsoka? She would leave him, she wouldn't stay with someone who would hit a child even if they were in as bad a state as he was and that only proved to break him even more as he turned and laid his back against the wall before sliding down until he was sat on the floor beside the door to Ahsoka's room.

And he cried, letting the tears roll down his cheeks as he dreaded the thought of losing either Ahsoka or Padme because of what he did tonight, "I'm so sorry, Ahsoka…" he whispered though his tears, "Please forgive me…"

The sun didn't rise the next morning, or at least it felt like it hadn't. The sky was dark at dawn and rain was pouring down upon the Jedi Temple as a seemingly unending storm blew in on the capital planet and threatened to never leave.

Ahsoka stared out her window, watching every small raindrop roll down the glass as her own tears did the same on her flushed orange cheeks. She had woken up with a scream from her unending nightmares about an hour earlier, only to exit her room and find Anakin sleeping against the wall next to her door and shivering as the rooms temperature continued to drop along with the cold air that came with the growing storm.

Perhaps it was out of pity or maybe even fear, but Ahsoka couldn't help but feel like she should turn up the heating in their quarters and cover her master up with a blanket from her own room.

She felt sorry for him, despite what he did to her and she wasn't about to change her ways and let him freeze to death on the floor for something she had begun to blame herself for, even though she knew none of it was her fault.

Hours then passed by without as much as a sound from either of them. Ahsoka occasionally poked her head out the door to make sure Anakin was alright and more than once found him muttering the words "I'm so sorry" over and over again in his sleep as if he knew she was there to hear him say it.

It was noon by the time Anakin woke up, but by then Ahsoka had left their quarters to go for a walk and clear her head while hoping that her master would get the same chance. She was starving, but she didn't want to eat, she was afraid she would vomit unless the ever growing pit in her stomach subsided and allowed her a moments respite from the pain that came along with it.

She hugged her cloak closer to her body, trying her hardest not to make eye contact with any of the passing Jedi from underneath her hood as she slowly made her way around the temple with the hope of finding the courage to go back to her quarters and finally confront her master, which of course she knew she would eventually have to do if there was any hope of patching this up and putting it behind them, even if she knew it would be incredibly difficult to do so.

Eventually, she felt she had no other choice but to go back. Her stomach was rumbling violently and she didn't want to go to the mess hall in fear of running into someone she knew that would notice the large red mark on her cheek or the stains that were left behind from the many tears she had shed.

"Ahsoka?" Anakin called as she re-entered the shared quarter and shed her robe before placing it on the free hook next to the door.

"Yeah… it's me…" she responded with a hoarse tone to her voice as she made her way to the large couch in the middle of their quarters and sat down to await her master.

Anakin emerged not long after that from his refresher wearing a clean set of robes after, she guessed, he had taken a shower and cleaned himself up, "Hey… I… I don't know where to start, Snips… I'm so, so sorry for what I did to you and I promise, it will never, ever happen again" he said, taking a seat next to her as he noticed the dark circles around her eyes and the tear stain flushed orange cheek where the mark of his hand still was clear to see.

Ahsoka couldn't help but let fresh tears fall down her face as she slowly turned to look at her master's cold blue eyes. It didn't even look like he had been out the night before, though he always had a knack for cleaning himself up as quickly as he could the morning after to disguise any sign of his drinking from anyone who didn't know about it.

"Does it…" he sighed, "…does it still hurt?" She frowned, turning her tear filled eyes away to show him the red mark on her cheek where he had hit her.

"It stings a little, but I'm alright…" she replied, sensing his ever growing concern for her, though she still couldn't help but feel afraid as he lifted his hand to touch the spot.

"Can I?" he asked, pausing his advance before she gave him a small nod to proceed. The mark was warm to his touch and Ahsoka winced a little almost as soon as he had made contact with it and then quickly pulled away so as not to cause her any more discomfort.

Anakin could feel his own tears welling up as she kept his gaze fixed on the exact spot of his Padawan's face where the deep red mark lay. It broke his heart to see Ahsoka in so much pain, but it hurt even more to know that he was the cause of it, he had to make amends, he didn't want to lose her, he couldn't afford to lose her.

"Ahsoka? Can you forgive me?" He finally built up the courage to ask her and instantly feared that her response would be one he couldn't bear to hear, though he also knew he needed to hear it nonetheless.

A long moment passed, filled with a deathly silence as Ahsoka gently cupped the side of her face and closed her eyes as if sinking into deep thought, thinking of how she should respond and if she could truly ever forgive him for doing this to her.

"I want to help you, Anakin" she finally said, "I… I forgive you… but I don't want this to continue anymore, you're hurting yourself as much as you hurt me and I never want to have to feel the way I did last night ever again. I need you to promise me you'll stop drinking and that you'll talk to me when you're feeling like you were"

Anakin dropped his gaze to the ground, "I promise… and… I'm sorry…" he replied, hoping that that would be enough but also emphasizing every word so she knew he meant it.

Ahsoka gave him a small smile, "Thank you…" she said, finally letting her tears and cries loose as her master wrapped her in his arms and whispered that everything would be alright for now on, not because it was the best thing to say to calm her down, but because he truly meant it.

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…_It's been almost a month now and Anakin's doing a lot better. We talk a lot more about how we're feeling after battles and other missions, but I can see he's still struggling a little to stay away from that place when things go bad for us._

_Still, I think he's going to be alright. We both decided to tell Obi-Wan about what happened too, he wasn't pleased, but he understood when we explained how one bad thing could quickly turn into a good thing just as fast._

_To be honest, I'm still a little shaken by what happened and my dreams are becoming even more vivid lately, not only with flashbacks to that night, but other horrible things that I can't even begin to think about writing down if only so I don't remember them in years to come when I come back and read all of this._

_Anyway, I'm going to get some sleep, tomorrow I set off with a group of Younglings to help them with their Gathering and I have a feeling I'm in for an eventful trip._

_Will write again soon_

_Ahsoka_

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**Disclaimer:** Disney and Lucasfilm Limited own all Star Wars characters and concepts. I do not own the rights to any of the characters, locations or anything to do with Star Wars. Any Original Characters and or locations however are my own.

**Author's Notes:** Thanks for reading guys.

This story first came about when a close friend of mine told me about her experiences with alcoholism as a child and asked me if I could take a short diary entry she had wrote about some of her struggles from Ahsoka's eyes and write a story around it for her to read with this being the result.

At first, I wasn't going to upload this as I wasn't sure she would want me to and because the theme is a little darker than my usual work, however after a little encouragement from her I decided to share this story with you all.

Hopefully you all liked what we were able to come up with together and a review would be very much appreciated by both of us as this was a joint effort.

Anyways, thank you all as always for reading and I will catch you guys next time, cheers!


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